Two months later we accepted each others feelings and were very happy then. After all, he is my first and for the first time there is actually a guy who is so sweet and gentle with me. I am touched by his actions, big and small. It was actually fun to go hiking, although I am not much of an outdoor person and to listen to what he views are. They are just so different from anyone I have ever known, so fresh and funny, even though there are countless times I did not understand his points.
On 30 April 2009, he has to leave for his country. I thought that would end it. Yet, he insisted on not giving up. His perseverance impressed me, and well my head cannot handle the emotions and my heart took over.
At the beginning, it was nerve wreaking, and everything is so mysterious. I have no idea what is going on there. Our means of communication was limited to messaging online and we did not even use webcam. Then we talk on the phone as I subscribe to using voip to call him. Still, everything was unclear and the wait was supposed to end by December 2009 but was delayed, due to him having tons of tests to clear.
I had to see for myself was it like there, what was actually going on. And so a ticket was booked on the eve of Good Friday 2010, so that I could spend Good Friday with him. Well, it turns out that things promised was just promises. The trip was not what I expected and it was so disheartening. A month later, I came home.
Life goes on, but on several occasion I thought this has to end. The stupid wait, and even more dumb postponing of flight here. It was unnerving and it made him appeared untrustworthy. The latter upsets me more than anything else, cause in my quiet faith I believed he would be here. Then something major happened at home and my heart and soul was grieving. For months I cried myself to sleep, everyone tried to say something. But I shut everyone out. Cause nothing they say eased my pain and I hated the fact I had to face others with a straight face telling the I would be all right and I will take care of my family. It was the deepest valley in my life. It was then his love and concern calms me down, even it was a little. Everyday, a little by little I felt my pain was understood. That the fact he was extremely patient with me helped me overcome this. For months, I was weak, emotionally and physically. He was like an anchor to help me to settle down before my soul floats out of my body. He thought me to turn to Jesus and placed my fears, sadness and pain with God. I fell deeply in love with him again.
There were a couple of incidents from time to time that causes us to distrust each other. But each time, it was settled, or so I thought, on my part though I trusted him as long as he tells me so. Yet, the wait is a little too long. Soon many asked me to end this, to me all are noises except the opinion of my mother. It was getting unbearable to stay at home and I chose to escape by staying out late almost every night. I took up a new sport as I had injured my feet many times. On many weeks, I spent as much as 10 hours a week on that sports, reaching home at about 10-11pm on most of the days. I felt better when practising the new sport, and did not bother about interacting with others.
Nothing will prepare me for what was to come next, as everything was going so smoothly and I was peaceful and glad that the wait is going to be over. On 6 April 2011, I felt something was obviously wrong when for the first time, he did not send me any messages and refused to pick up my call. As it turns out, on the next day, he sent me a message:" I am sorry, this is not going to work." following which he changed the status on Facebook. Then negative emotions flooded me once again. I was going through a roller-coaster ride of emotions and was so tormented. Words do not do justice to the emotions ride I faced. In short, perplex abandonment.
Turns out that he thought of me very very badly when I reached home so late, like I was always partying or drinking. It was not only disturbing but downright hurtful. No matter what I said, it was hopeless. A decision was made, his decision alone. Inwardly, I wanted him back as long as he is still no one else.
Not even two weeks passed and he is in a relationship again. On the day he broke up with me, he actually went to "visit" her. Next she is only 17 years old and he is 26. Now, this is lowly and disgusting.
Hence, thank you for all the pain you have given me and wasted so much of my time, I will never forget you.
I am thankful that my friends and family are constantly reaching out to me. The network of support is there for me. With God's words, I am constantly reminded of the good and love. With love and forgiveness, I will be strong again.
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